My friend Natalie Eskew has graciously shared her story. It is a story of rebellion, forgiveness, and restoration after her abortion. God has allowed her to use her story not only to embrace and encourage others who have traveled that path, but also to warn and admonish those who consider that same path today.
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I’m Breaking My Silence
I don’t usually talk about politics publicly, but the pro-life conversation is a personal one for me. I’m not just another person who says abortion is wrong. I KNOW it’s wrong. I speak from experience.
Almost 17 years ago, I got rid of “it”.
I believed ALL the lies.
It’s a clump of cells.
It will stop you from your dreams.
Natalie Eskew shares her story of redemption after abortion.
You can’t be a single mom.
This is MY choice.
You name it, in my fear, I believed the enemy’s lies.
And here’s the thing…
I knew it was wrong.
I knew “it” was a girl.
I saw her heartbeat.
All I ever wanted to be was a mom.
I did it anyway.
I knew it was murder.
I was so caught up in my mess, I did it anyway.
I knew it was wrong so much that I was convinced I was going to hell.
How could God forgive me?
I killed my child.
So, this is personal.
Here’s where I stand, all these years later.
I mourn… my ignorance, her life, our life together. But God is healing me and restoring me. I know that my daughter is waiting without judgement in heaven for me. She was/is real.
Her life matters.
I wonder what she would have been like.
I wonder at how amazing of a big sister she would be to my girls.
I mourn for her life.
Because that’s what it was. It was HER life. It wasn’t my choice to make. That’s not my call. I’m not God.
So, a few things:
God forgives. Yes, even this. He forgives and if you need to talk about your abortion, send me a message. I am here to listen and point you towards healing.
It takes a miracle to make a baby, which means that baby was intricately woven and planned by our Father. Scripture is clear. There is no such thing as unplanned.
There are resources out there for you. There are clinics that support women fully through pregnancy (I work with one and will direct you to their services if you are in need). There are organizations that ask no questions, just help you save your baby’s life and find a home for him/her.
Pro-life for me is being there when a woman finds out she’s pregnant and sharing the Gospel and with it, hope. It’s being there for single, struggling mothers. It’s fostering children. It’s all encompassing. It should be.
This bears repeating. Only God could forgive a sinner like me… and He does. He remembers our sins no more when we come to Him in repentance. There is enough grace for you. For all of us.
Emily Joy would have turned 16 this year. My life is less because she’s not in it.
Note: I’m not trying to create a comment war. I finally decided to speak because I’m seeing how God wants to use Emily’s life for good. If I can save one baby because I shared the story of my abortion, it’s Him working her life for good. If I can help a friend who had an abortion (they say 1/4 to 1/3 of us have) then I want to help her not hate herself as I have hated myself for decades. And for the one who thinks she’s past saving… that there’s no hope for her… well, friend, there’s Jesus and He will never reject you. He is your hope. His eyes are filled with compassion for you and His arms are open to hold you as you weep. He loves you. He died for you. Yes, even knowing what you would do, He said you were worth it. YOU are still loved. You are still His child. You are safe with Jesus.
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The story doesn’t end there. If you would like to read Natalie’s follow-up blog post, “There Is Healing,” you can read it here.
I remember when Natalie first told me her story almost two years ago. She was sitting on the floor of my hotel room. It was late, and we had been talking for several hours. I could tell she wasn’t sure she could trust me with her story, but she took the risk. She knew God had plans for her story, and she and God had wrestled through the sin together. It has been an honor to watch as God has brought her to the place of sharing her story publicly, knowing she can trust Him to bring beauty from ashes.
While I do not believe you have to experience something in order to address the topic, the message is incredibly powerful when it is shared by someone who has walked that road. I’m so grateful to Natalie for speaking out on behalf of those who have no voice.
Out of respect for my guest, I will not approve any disrespectful comments. While you are entitled to your opinion, you are not entitled to post on my page.
This fallen world has a knack for turning everything on its head: what was bad is now good, what was wrong is now right, 2+2 no longer equals 4, and fear has become a virtue.
Before 2020, it was common for me to see several posts per day in my social media feeds telling me to “do it scared,” “rise above the fear,” or “let your faith be bigger than your fear.” I noticed a dramatic decrease of those pretty graphics around the same time the lockdowns began. It seems like we have accepted fear as our “new normal” instead of something we need to work through, rise above, or defeat.
Origin of Fear
As Christians, it is important for us to understand the origin of fear. Some teach that fear is innate; we were created with a “fight or flight” response that was intended to protect us from predators. But that’s not what the Bible teaches.
Man was not created fearful. Man was created and placed into a perfect world where there was nothing to fear—no natural disasters, no illness, no violence.
When you read Genesis, you discover that all of the animals (and humans) were vegetarian, so they didn’t hunt each other. Rain did not make its appearance until the flood. And think about the fact that Eve was not startled by a talking snake. There was nothing to fear in the Garden of Eden. And then man sinned.
Fear Began at the Fall
The first time fear is mentioned in Scripture is after the fall. Adam heard God in the garden, and he was afraid. God had never given Adam a reason to fear Him, yet once Adam sinned and realized he had broken God’s one command, he was afraid. Fear is a result of sin, and fear is learned through our experiences.
Fear Is Learned
Children are fearless. They have to be taught to steer clear of campfire flames, be careful with sharp objects, and back away from steep drop offs. Fear is not innate; it is learned through experiences. Even a child’s fear of the dark doesn’t begin until she has seen or heard something that causes the fear.
The same can be said for adults. Our fears come from our past experiences or what we have learned. There have been times when friends have expressed a fear that seems ridiculous to me, not because I think my friends are ridiculous, but because I haven’t shared their experiences, and therefore do not share their fears. And there have been times when I have shared a fear that seems completely unfounded to my listeners.
Fears, like every other thought, are based on our beliefs. In fact, analyzing our fears is a great way to nail down what we actually believe. Do we really believe God is in control? Do we truly believe our days were numbered before we were even conceived? Do we really believe all things work together for God’s glory? Or do our fears contradict what we claim to believe?
I can honestly say I have been challenged in this area lately. I found that my anxiety was overwhelming me even though I have never been a naturally anxious person. I was consuming too much of the world, and my fears were reflecting beliefs I didn’t realize were taking root.
Fear Is a Lie
Let me be clear: your feelings of fear are real, but the object of your fear is a lie. Fear is based on a prediction of something that hasn’t happened yet, and may not happen at all. We think we can foresee an outcome based on past experiences, and while this may be true when it comes to touching a hot stove, it cannot be applied to our circumstances.
Whether I’m afraid of illness, suffering, loss, embarrassment, or any number of other things, the fear is me trying to predict the future based on past experiences, not truth. And my goal in that fear is to protect myself, yet I have no control over anything that happens.
My friend, Anneliese said it this way: “Fear is the frantic attempt to know the unknowable; to defend oneself from adversity in advance, to anticipate the worst and never let one’s guard down. It seeks to walk by sight in direct contradiction to our calling as Christians to walk by faith” (@feminine_not_feminist on Instagram).
How To Overcome Fear
The King James Version of the Bible uses the phrase “Fear not” 365 times, but the topic of fear (and similar ideas) is discussed in Scripture more than 500 times. We are told in 2 Timothy 1:7 that “[…] God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
In the verse right before that, Paul tells Timothy to “fan into flame the gift of God.” We can overcome fear by focusing on “fanning into flame the gift of God” instead of dwelling on our fears.
You might be thinking it is impossible to control your thoughts. The fears are there whether you want them or not. But your mind cannot multitask. It cannot focus on two things at the same time. So when you find your thoughts turning to fear, you can steer your mind to other things instead.
What you dwell on, grows. What you consume is what you will produce. Choose to consume and dwell on the things of God, so those things will grow.
When I noticed my anxiety levels rising, I had to attack the false beliefs of fear with the Truth of Scripture. I memorized Scriptures that I would recite when I felt the fear gripping me. When I focus on the verses I’m quoting, my mind can’t think about the fear.
1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” Since love and fear can’t coexist, use moments of worry, fear, and anxiety to remind you about the people you love, to push you to develop your love for Jesus, or to plan something for your spouse or children. Rather than allowing your fear to drag you down, use it as a trigger to better love those around you.
Why We Hold On to Fear
It might surprise you to realize that fear makes us think we have control. We hold on to our fear because it gives us the sense that there is something we can do to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe or comfortable. It convinces us that we know the best course of action to take.
But 1 Peter 5:6-7 says to “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” You are invited to give up your fears and lay them at the feet of Jesus, but it takes humility. It takes giving up the semblance of control. It takes acknowledging your weakness. Are you willing to do that?
“God invites you to hope-driven obedience. The enemy wants fear-bound stagnancy” (Anneliese).
Don’t let the world define your “normal.” Christ came to give us abundant life (John 10:10), not a life of fear. Scripture challenges us to overcome our fears, set our minds on things above, and lean into the knowledge that we are known and loved by our Creator!
For so long in our country, Christianity has been the norm. Events weren’t planned on Sundays because it was expected that most families would be in church. Telling someone you were at a church event didn’t raise any eyebrows. Even now, when the tide seems to be turning, you will find people in church at least twice each year: Christmas and Easter.
But as times change, the pendulum appears to be swinging, and it is no longer “cool” to be a Christian. There is a certain amount of pressure being applied for people to leave the church and disregard its teachings. And one thing is clear, our churches have been full of cultural Christians and nominal Christians.
Nominal and Cultural Christianity
Nominal Christians are those who aren’t firmly grounded in the Word. They may know all of the Sunday school answers and may even be familiar with most of the stories in the Bible, but they don’t have a deep personal relationship with Christ. And when it is a little uncomfortable to stand on biblical principles against their friends, neighbors, or family members, they fall away.
Cultural Christians are those who think they are grounded in the Word. They might even be teachers and preachers. But when the Gospel butts up against a cultural issue, the cultural Christian twists Scripture to fit the culture rather than standing up for Truth.
If you visit a country where Christians are persecuted; where they are beaten and imprisoned; where they risk losing their families, homes, and jobs just for deciding to follow Christ, you will not meet any cultural Christians. Cultural Christianity only happens in countries where Christianity is comfortable and maybe even expected.
Scripture gives us a great example of cultural Christianity when the Israelites were in the wilderness.
The Golden Calf
The Israelites had witnessed the plagues in Egypt. They had watched God part the Red Sea and had wiped the dust, not mud, off their feet on the other side. They had witnessed the thunder and fire on Mt. Sinai before Moses climbed it. Yet they allowed the culture to dictate their beliefs instead of trusting what God had said.
In Exodus 32, we see the Israelites take gold they had plundered from the Egyptians (Ex. 12:35-36) that was meant for the tabernacle (Ex. 25:1-7) and give it to Aaron, Moses’s brother and the future priest of Israel, demanding he make an idol. Aaron’s leadership was dictated by popular opinion, not by what God had said or done. As soon as it was no longer popular to be godly, Aaron caved to what the people wanted.
Once the calf was crafted, the people worshipped it and said, “These are the gods who brought us out of Egypt!”
Every time I read this passage, I wonder if there was anyone in the crowd who spoke up. How could the Israelites watch Aaron make this statue from the gold they provided and then worship it, claiming it brought them out of Egypt? Surely there were those in the crowd who refused to worship. But did they speak up?
The other thing I wonder is how Aaron must have felt as soon as Moses stepped off the mountain and saw the sin of the people. We get an idea when Aaron immediately starts making excuses. He reminds Moses how the people are “set on evil,” and he claims he threw the gold in the fire and “out came this calf.” I’m sure his heart broke and he never forgot the consequences of this sin as he watched while 3,000 people died because they were determined to turn their backs on God.
Are We Any Better?
It is easy for us to shake our heads at Aaron and the Israelites. This seems like such an obvious infraction. Surely, we would never do such a thing! But as I watch my social media feed and hear respected Bible teachers offer up a false gospel that is motivated by cultural ideas rather than Scripture, I wonder if we are really that much better than the Israelites.
My pastor often says,
“What one generation tolerates, the next generation accepts, and the next generation embraces.”
As Christians in America, we have sat silent while the culture infiltrates our churches. We have been tolerant as cultural Christians preach a false gospel. We have “loved” others while accepting their sin.
There are things in Scripture that are open to interpretation. That is why there are different denominations. But there are many things in the Bible that God commands his followers to obey. There is no question. There is no doubt. They are clear. Yet we try to blur the line and redefine words to justify them through our cultural lenses.
True Christianity
But there is hope! I also see the church waking up! I see true believers standing for what is right and resisting cultural Christianity. I see preachers upholding truth against the attacks of the enemy that seem to be coming from every direction. It isn’t too late to stand up. It isn’t too late to teach Truth. We can push back against the cultural and social ideas that are threatening Christianity. But it will take courage; it might take sacrifice; it won’t be easy.
So how do we do it? How do we make sure our Christianity is true with all of the ideas being thrown at us? We have to start with Scripture, not culture. We have to know the Word so we can allow our worldview to be shaped by Truth. If we allow Scripture to dictate our worldview, when an unbiblical idea comes our way, we will recognize it for what it is.
That’s what it means to be a true Christian. It means the truth of the Gospel is more important than your comfort, your wealth, and even your life.
Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this critical theory and cultural marxism. I have pieced together what I know from sources who are experts, and I will refer you to them in this post.
Critical Theory
I was first introduced to the idea of critical theory when I was in college. As a literature major, one of the main topics in all of my classes was Literary Criticism and Theory. And if you took a literature class at any point in your college career, you were exposed to this idea, too. Literary criticism is the lens through which you see the piece of literature.
There are many different types of literary criticism. You could use feminist criticism in which you look at how women are treated in the piece of literature. You could also apply Marxist criticism, which looks at the economic status of the characters. Another option is historical criticism, where you look at the historical context of the piece and what it says about the culture as a whole, and the list goes on and on.
Critical theory is similar to literary criticism in that it is the lens through which you see the world around you. It is not limited to literature but colors how you interpret everything and everyone with whom you come into contact. It is a worldview.
The major difference between literary criticism and critical theory is that literary criticism leaves room for accurate interpretation whereas critical theory must find an oppressor and an oppressed. In other words, critical theory doesn’t look for a truthful portrayal of events, but it looks for how one person is being oppressed by another person. And if there is no real oppression, critical theory invents it.
If you are applying critical feminist theory, you are looking for how women are being oppressed by others, not how women are actually being treated. We see this play out when we look at the wage gap between men and women. Critical theory doesn’t take into account choices that men and women make in their careers that affect the difference in pay.
If you are applying critical race theory, you are looking at how minorities are oppressed by others, not how minorities are actually being treated, or what benefits come with being in the minority. We have seen this play out recently with claims that the police target members of minorities even though the data says otherwise.
The same goes for critical Marxist theory, which looks at how a lower economic class is oppressed by a wealthier class without taking into consideration the programs provided to the lower classes, which include such things as tax breaks, free and reduced lunches in public school, food stamps, etc. And there are many other types of critical theory.
Cultural Marxism
Critical theory is what has given a voice to marxism in the United States. Traditional Marxism is based on economic principles, but if you follow it through to its logical conclusion, it is actually based on power. Whoever has the money has the power, so marxism is about power, not economics. When you reframe it that way, it is easy to see that marxism can take many different avenues as entry points into a culture.
In America, a capitalist country, it was difficult to convince people that standing in a bread line was not only acceptable but also desirable. After all, we are the great American experiment and many have achieved the American dream. So an attack on the economic front didn’t work.
As a result, Marxism began looking for other points of disparity in our country. Marxists set out to convince women, minorities, and homosexuals that they are oppressed and took advantage of every opportunity to “prove” it. And unfortunately, the media only reports on events or incidents that appear to demonstrate the oppression.
Because there is always an oppressor and an oppressed, there can never be unity. Critical theory seeks to topple whoever is in power and replace them with a different group, who will then also need to be toppled and replaced. It is a never-ending cycle.
Not only does critical theory undermine the very fabric of our nation, but also it gives a platform for victimhood. Because there is always an oppressor and an oppressed, the “oppressed” feel empowered to lean into their victimhood. This idea will be discussed more in a future blog post.
Christian Response
As Christians, how do we combat the ever-growing popularity of critical theory? Because it is a worldview, the only way to confront it is with a biblical worldview. It can only be confronted with the truth. Critical theory is a worldview that does not hold up to the scrutiny of Scripture.
Scripture tells us that there is only one race, the human race. It also tells us to love God and love people (in fact, this is basically the theme of the entire Bible). If we do this well, there will be no oppression, we will see individuals as image-bearers of God and not as members of a group, and we will love people enough to guide them through a spiritual transformation instead of judging them for their choices.
As Christians, it is so important for us to spend time in the Word of God so we have the weapons we need to fight these lies from the enemy. If you struggle to study the Bible, I invite you to download my free workbook, 6 Steps to Study the Bible on Your Own. Just enter your information below to receive the workbook in your inbox.
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Resources
I know this is a brief introduction to this topic, and I encourage you to do some research on your own. Here are a few resources to get you started:
This year, I set out to learn more about prayer. Prayer has always been elusive for me for a couple of reasons. 1) If God already knows what is going to happen, what is the point of praying? and 2) If I pray for things to change, am I not trusting His sovereignty? But there is no question that all throughout Scripture we are commanded to pray. So there was definitely a disconnect for me.
I have had so much help from others in my pursuit of understanding prayer and making it a daily practice, and I want to share some of those resources with you. This list of prayer resources is not exhaustive by any means, but it has been my starting point for a life-long journey.
**Some of the links to follow are affiliate links, so I make a commission on your purchase. However, I will never recommend something I don’t whole-heartedly love and use.
Prayer Course
I took a prayer course as I began my research. Valerie Woerner does a fantastic job of explaining prayer and giving very practical tips and examples.
Developing a Fluency in Prayer
Prayer Journal
Val Woerner also created this prayer journal. I loved it so much that I got smaller, undated versions as Christmas gifts for the men in my life.
Praying Scripture
One thing I have learned in my journey is that Scripture makes for powerful prayers! Here are my favorite resources for praying Scripture back to God.
Sharon Jaynes’s book Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe has transformed my marriage! She taught me to pray for things I didn’t even realize needed prayer.
And the prayer cards from Daily Grace Co have also helped me learn to pray Scripture over my husband and my marriage. They are also beautiful and can be placed all throughout the house as reminders to pray for him throughout the day. (Read the full book review here.)
Daily Grace Co. also has cards to help you pray Scripture over your children, your anxiety, your pregnancy, and more.
Another resource I have come to love is Jodie Berndt’s book Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens. She gives very practical advice and tips for how to pray for issues your teen is facing and will face in the future. If your children are younger or are adults, she has books to learn to pray for them, as well. It’s never too early or too late to pray for our children and the impact they will have on this world for the cause of Christ!
Write the Word Journal
Finally, I have also truly enjoyed using my Write the Word Journal from Cultivate What Matters. This journal has been specific to cultivating prayer, but there are Write the Word journals for a variety of topics to cultivate in your life including joy, hope, worship, and a blank one you can tailor yourself.
I pray you find these resources helpful. If you have a resource you would like to recommend to me for my prayer journey, I would love to hear all about it!
If you are wanting to learn to study the Bible for yourself, I would love to share my free workbook with you, 6 Steps to Study the Bible on Your Own. It will guide you through the steps from reading the passage to learning it well enough to teach it to someone else. Download it here:
Is your confidence rooted in your appearance? Do you find that your mood is better when you’re having a “good hair day”? Or maybe your worst days are when you step on the scale? My beautiful friend and colleague, Tammy Hickey, describes how we can flip the script and put our focus where it belongs. Here are her words:
My heart sank as I walked by the mirror. Up until that moment, I had forgotten I didn’t have any hair.I had been going about my day, doing what I do.Working.Creating. Editing. Sharing ideas.Knocking things off my To Do List.I felt good physically and had good energy.It was a GOOD day!Then …. I had my moment in the mirror.I immediately lost my joy.The fact that I had cancer came rushhhhhing back into my thoughts and my being.BLECH.
Have you ever been there, friend?
Have you gone about your day, feeling good and feeling joyful, and then you walk by the mirror and BAM – your energy and joy is immediately sucked out of your body?
I know.ME TOO.Even without cancer.
We are so critical and so OVERLY aware of our bodies.We place SO much value on what is happening on the outside that it can be all consuming.It immediately dismisses or erases every single thing we have done, who we have served, who we ARE.Don’t you hate that?When our whole disposition goes down the tubes because we’ve don’t like our thighs, or we’ve put on a little weight, or our jeans don’t fit, or we feel like we look like a freak without hair.You get the picture.
Why do we do that to ourselves, friend?WHAT IS OUR DEAL?
Here is what I know for sure, friend.We have been led astray.The pressures of this world to be and look a certain way as crept into our BEING.Maybe it was from a comment someone made to you back in 9th grade about ‘looking like a pig’ or maybe it was the way the other girls looked at you when you changed for gym class.Or maybe it was the nickname of thunder thighs that your Dad (love you Dad!) gave you.Perhaps it’s the way you ‘think’ your husband avoids caressing or holding onto your ‘fluffy’ areas when you are intimate or the look he gives you when you grab a bowl of ice cream before bed.
Then add in the images we see all over social media, TV and print ads that over glamorizes what healthy and beautiful looks like.The way our feeds have been overcome with botox injections, fake bushy eyebrows (what the heck is with that trend?) or have you seen the ads for the exercise equipment where the girl is running full speed UP HILL with perfect posture, a smile on her face and then dances when it’s done????COME ON!!Don’t even get me started with this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
We take all of these images of what society tells us beautiful looks like and take that on as an expectation – a bar set that we can NEVER reach!Because of that expectation, we look for evidence constantly of where we don’t measure up.How we feel like our husbands are not attracted to us anymore because of how we look and we immediately create scenarios of how we see that to be true.The hand placement.The look he gives.THEN WE GET MAD AT HIM.Lord, have mercy.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30)
Here is what I’m learning, friend – NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE REAL.
The image of perfect body?NOT REAL (as much as I commend J Lo – this is NOT the standard)
A perfectly shaped brow?NOT REAL
Running Uphill is easy and enjoyable?DEFINITELY NOT REAL
We, as women, are made perfectly in HIS image.He created us to be living, breathing beings in a body that is intended to help us fulfill the purpose He gave us.The body itself is not to be praised.What is to be praised is the real reason we are here – to fulfill His purpose on our life and to glorify HIM.To radiate His love from the inside out.
End of story.
Let’s stop getting it wrong, shall we?
Not to say that having a healthy body is not critical – it is!Our body needs to be working WITH us and not against us, so it’s important that we take care of it.Nurture it.Treat it like the beautiful vessel that it is to help us fulfill our purpose.
But our bodies are not the point.
Perfect eyebrows are not the point.
Thin thighs and six pack abs are not the point.
Being able to run on mission for the glory of God is the point!
Friend – when we put Jesus first in our lives, we learn how to slowly turn the tide of what we view important and critical.I won’t lie and say that I don’t struggle with the idea of being PRETTY by the world’s standards.I still cringe at the size of my thighs and struggle with my baldness. BUT I’m learning how to fill my heart with more truths about what true beauty is all about.
The condition of my heart.
The love I give to others.
The calling on my life that I’m fulfilling.
It is more important to me that the imprint I leave on this lifetime has more to do with the love of Jesus that radiates from my heart, then being another pretty face.
THAT to me is way more beautiful.Wouldn’t ya say?Who is IN with me?
